Let’s talk about how hard parenting can be when your brain operates in facts, logic, and straight lines, and suddenly you’re raising a tiny human who lives in shades of chaos and unpredictability.

See, I’m a pretty literal person. I like things to make sense. If A, then B. Cause, then effect. Give me the instructions, the checklist, the manual, I’ll read it twice and highlight the important parts. But guess what? There is no manual for parenting. And even if there was, Alice would just rip the pages and chew on it a few times before throwing it to the side.

I don’t do well with maybes. Or vibes. Or “just trust your gut.” What does that even mean? My gut is usually just hungry and anxious.

So when people say, “Oh, babies cry for a reason,” I’m like, great, tell me the reason so I can fix it. Except sometimes… there is no obvious reason. Sometimes Alice cries because she dropped a puff on the floor or because she can’t reach the toy she wanted or because she remembered five hours ago I didn’t let her climb up with mom on the couch.

And when you think in black and white, this kind of ambiguity is mentally exhausting. Did I do something wrong? Is she overtired or just mad that gravity exists? There’s no answer key. Just an endless loop of trial and error, a lot of second-guessing, and learning to live in that foggy gray middle where I’ve never been comfortable.

But I’m learning.

I’m learning that even when something doesn’t make sense to me, it can still matter to her. I’m learning that just because I want a clean resolution doesn’t mean we’ll get one. And I’m learning that black-and-white thinkers can still be colorful, present, messy, loving parents.

Some days I crush it. Some days I cry in the because someone said “just go with the flow” one too many times. But every day, I show up. Even if I’d rather be reading the manual that doesn’t exist.